This week I ran out of stream. I have been operating at such a level since before Christmas, it was bound to crash sometime. Thankfully, I am not going out in the spectacular way I normally do with meltdowns and sleeping. But I did crash.
This week coming I am off work. I had taken this week because I knew I was going need rest. Something I have learned about myself is to regularly take breaks and recharge, I cannot go on indefinitely. This week was going to be one of those weeks. The closer and closer I got to the break, the more and more I was struggling to get over that finish time.
What I realised is I had been addicted to productiveness. SO many people told me this happens when you start ADHD medication. I knew this and I thought I had planned and managed it well. Nope. I had a very frank and open conversation with a mentor and released I had been flying and not in a healthy way. I have been managing life so much better than I previously had however I had not reflected and balanced myself in a way I should have. This blog has certainly helped me reflect and be mindful but I realised this had lost the importance I had put to it as I got more and more wound up with things in my personal life and work.
Reflecting on the past 6 weeks in the conversation I was having was a ‘tell’ I didn’t even realise. Escapism. For me, this is playing online games on my phone - candy crash, merge mansion and solitaire. Mindless games where I don’t think. I do this instead of the true things that fill my cup, my creativity.
My last post was about connection and this week, I realised just how important that was, laid bare in this one conversation. It was confronting and reassuring all at the same time. I was, in that moment, able to step back in a way I had not done in a long time. If that person is reading this, thank you, your accountability is so important to me and I appreciate our catch ups to no end.
Lucky for me, I did slightly catch on to the amount of time I was playing online games and have spent more time this week doing other things. I finally finished the shawl that I have been knitting. It is not as long as I had hoped; I was playing chicken with the yarn and the yarn won. But it is still really cute and I love it. It was be a lovely light wrap when the weather cools and its just slightly chilly at night. I am also still working on a green knitted sleeveless top. Again, who knows when that will be finished.
I continue to read the Viscount who Loved me by Julia Quinn but have also started Demon Copperhead by Barbara Kingsolver on audiobook. Demon Copperhead is a modern retelling of Charles Dickens David Copperfield. I read David Copperfield a couple of years ago and loved it. It has been my goal for a few years now to read more of the classics, which is why I picked this one up. Whilst I say retelling, it is more inspired by but I can see so many similarities. Demon Copperhead is giving me a greater understanding of David Copperfield and his life than I had had previously. Demon Copperhead is so sad, I am up to chapter 29 and my head just keeps breaking. I will keep you updated on how it goes.
Till next time xx
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