I Have a Confession

Dear Reader,

I have a confession, I misguided you. Well really, I misguided myself but that is all part and parcel of the Autism experience. 

Last week I gushed about how I loved being on my own and did not miss my husband. Well, turns out I do miss him, dearly, what I experienced was Alexithymia. For those unfamiliar with the term, Alexithymia is a difficulty in identifying, recognising, experiencing, expressing and understanding emotions. Alexithymia occurs at a rate of between 50%-85% of people with Autism Spectrum Disorder. 

When I learnt what Alexithymia was, it was one of those light build moments. It made sense. So often things would happen and I would have no reaction. OR when I tried to react, undoubtably I was trying to fake the wrong emotion. This happened a lot when people would show me photos’ with no context, someone would say, look at this and it would be like, ‘ok, its a photo of you as a child, or you when you were younger with your ex or a photo of a place or a pet. Cool, its a photo, what do you want from me?’. Again, guaranteed it was wrong. This also came in arguments, nothing would both me until my anger was suddenly boiling over. 

What I realised is I don’t feel the little nuances of emotion. I know what they are from my background in psychology and counselling but I cannot identify them when I am feeling, unless they are massive emotions. Think, happy, sad and angry. The rest just don’t really register. Alternately when I feel something due to an experience, it will take a long time it to sink in and process then I will feel the emotion days later. If the emotion is too big, or if there is to much going on, I either meltdown or shut down. 

Meltdowns from too much emotion I describe as a jack-in-the-box. You wind and wind and every little thing I feel goes in without notice and then SURPRISE! Here is the emotion and a meltdown I go. As for shut downs, I can think of many times this has happened in arguments. I used to be told I had switched off and got in even more trouble but I realise now, my brain had simply gone offline because it could not process anymore.

Missing Daddy

So missing my husband was one of the examples of my alexithymia in play. Last week was awesome, Sunday night when he left again I cooked up a storm as I mentioned in my last post. Monday I was feeling great as well and made chicken soup. Tuesday, I started to struggle and It went down hill from there. I missed my husband. Funny thing was, I didn’t realise I missed him, I just felt down. It was after exploring and reflecting on how I felt and talking to him, I was able to understand what I was feeling. 

Thank goodness this is his last week away. Myself and our fur baby would not cope any longer. Our dachshund is so clingy, she it even sitting at my desk with me when I work from home because she is not coping. 

Apart from me being a sad sack at the moment, the silliest thing happened to my this week. It was meltdown worthy but luckily I saw the funny side. I had being paying my electricity bill into an old account. I could not figure out why I was getting overdue notices. Turns out I was paying an old gas account. I laugh because this is the second time recently this has happened and thankfully it was fixed easily, but really. I text my daughter and said how on earth did I make it to 40, raise two children and survive? I don’t have the answer and neither did she! Another friend how is also on the spectrum laughed at me and said that is something she would do as well. I should not be allowed to adult! 

On the less serious side, my life has been a bit quiet because I have been slightly miserable. I have mainly been listening to Broken Homes by Ben Aronovitch (book 4 in the Rivers of London series) and knitting. This textured t-shit will just not end. I only have a couple of cm left to knit but I feel like I just can’t get there. We also put a stained glass window in the house that was made by the original owners. My bedroom now gives off Beauty and the Beast vibes are I am so here for it!

Love you all and see you next week xx